For starters, I had a job interview on Monday at a clothing store in the mall called “The Buckle”. My Mom has worked there part time for 3 years and I’ve been shopping there for at least 10 years. I think it went well. Fingers crossed for a 2nd interview and to get hired on full time.
I’ve been very up and down lately. Some days I’m okay, others (mainly when I’m alone) my depression kicks into high gear and I’m stuck in the mud of a deep, dark, cave; struggling to reach the surface but with no voice to call for help… It’s like a living nightmare.
I was thinking about my birthday today in the midst of my depression… On Monday the 27th, I turn 24. I find it saddening to know that for the past 12 years, I’ve spent most of my life thinking about death in general. However, mostly thoughts of suicide and hurting myself have haunted me for these long 12 years. Thoughts of suicide letters, my will, and my funeral. I should look at the past 12 years proudly for all I’ve overcome and accomplished; but instead I still see a big, fat, failure in the mirror with nothing to show for herself. There’s so much that people don’t know about me. Not even the doctors understand them demons inside my mind. I dread every birthday, knowing I’m another year older, and another year of life less lived has passed. I really hate my birthday…
On a more positive note: Today I decided after 3 cups of coffee in the morning and 3 cups of tea in the afternoon, that I finally had the motivation and was in the mood to reply to a few letters. I have a stack of almost 30 that are unread and I need to reply to. I got 4 done today which is a start. Hopefully the motivation stays and I can get more sent out this week.
Anyway, thanks for reading and I apologize for the pity party. Hope everyone is having a wonderful week.